So one thing I’ve spent the last year doing is figuring out what’s wrong with me. I know, you’re saying “wow, that’s kind of harsh don’t you think?”, but the truth is, no it’s not. See I know I’m not perfect (no human should be, and if you think you are then you’re lying to yourself). While there’s being happy with who you are and embracing that self-image that’s different from knowing something’s wrong with how you act and think day to day.
It’s that in which I’ve been trying to figure out and fix.
Okay, fix is too hard of a word, how about “adjust”, is that better?
The big thing I’ve recently figured out about myself is that I have double standards about life. I think and say one belief all the while I’m consciously doing another. For example, I strong believe a person should put their money to paying off their loans and debt in order to reach the point where they only have utility bills to worry about. I think and say this as I sit at the bar, throwing back my 6th beer and ordering a new set of albums on vinyl to add to my collection, all while the looming student loan debt glares back at me.
Another example is how I feel people should not stress about life so much, take chances and do things because you’ll regret not doing them later in life. Saying this as I avert my gaze from strangers and shelter myself inside my apartment every night not wanting to disrupt other people’s lives with my own issues.
This double standard with my own life feels weird. I feel like I’m almost living a dual life: one of an elderly man whose experienced his life, is close to death, and is thinking over the last 80 years of regret in hopes of inspiring others to live their life better, the other of a 30 something who has trust issues and worries he’s more of a burden to those around him.
I spend at least two hours a day regretting things I did or did not do. And they can be anything from not looking at the cute wOman in the car next to me as I sat at a red light this morning, to not taking the chance and moving out to LA with my college friends back in 2008.
Yes that last one still pops up from time to time.
I attempt to rationalize how I feel, think, or act about past thoughts and sometimes the rationalization works at thwarting any kind of current long drawn out mind dams (term trademark pending jeff bell) where the scenario of “I should have done this” plays over and over again. In the cases where I can’t rationalize and I find holes in my own thinking (again it’s like I have two people up there doing all the thinking), I find it hard to concentrate on the life around me which ultimately leads to more regret later in the day/week.
It’s a never ending cycle it seems.
But then there are those few times when I manage to get out of my head long enough to enjoy what’s happening around me. Where I do exactly the right things (maybe not SAY the right things, but more on that topic some other time), I do what I want, and come away from it with an enjoyable experience that I will cherish and remember as “that great time when…”